Internet Protocol

Today's internet lesson is all about posting things on youtube and learning to deal with the consequences.
Case in point.
If you haven't seen coppercab's video for "Gingers do have souls" you should familiarize yourself with it now:


I'm not here to debate whether gingers have souls or not(they probably don't for the record), but this guy is asking for it.

And the people delivered. Here are some YouTube comments for that video:

- Get the fuck out...fucking soulless, fat, pedophile, christian, boylover...
Gosh I fucking hate you.
- You shouldn't be proud mate, your a fucking fat ginger! God took your soul and shit all over it when he made you a ginger.
- you're a christian? more like a bitch...

Coppercab can't handle all this criticism. He recently posted this on his channel, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THEN THAT BUT
YOU'RE VIDEO ABOUT ME MOST CERTAINLY PROVES OTHERWISE!
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD TAKE UP FOR ME SINCE YOU'VE ALWAYS
MADE ME LAUGH BUT INSTEAD YOU HATE ON ME!!! WHY!!??"

Moving on to Pruane2Forever, who also goes by the name sexman.
His youtube habits include speaking in an annoying voice, endlessly talking about himself and giving retarded reviews of movies and TV shows.

Here he is talking about his birthday:

I can't believe there is 191 videos of this shit...
The comments are usually spot on for his videos too:
- God damn and you're still a fucking virgin
- WTF man y is there like a 1cm gap between ur fucking teeth man, and why are u such a geek LOOK AT YOU, Spots, braces, chinese eyes, glasses ( in ur other vids) weird fucking hats, i bet u were abused my ur dad, and he forced his lil 3 inch cock down ur neck and came in ur mouth KILLURSELF U FUCKInG MONSTER

Gold.

The lesson here my friends is never post anything on the internet where people can see your face.
By all means, you can still post in your blog how you think microphones look like dicks...
You're going to get mocked, but it won't be as bad.

Toy Reviews - The hidden Treasure of You tube

Today I stumbled upon a variable treasure trove of hilarity. You Tube Toy Reviews!!! It seems completely obvious when you boil it down. These people are complete social misfits, the kind of people who not only obsessively collect action figures, but somehow think that the entire world would be interested in their obsession, so they post videos of them showing off their toy collections, all the while going into the subtle nuances between different versions of the toys, specific articulation, and other points that I don't care to understand.

So I thought, lets spin this fucker around, and review these toy review videos!!!

We will start off with "robot adventures" an American man child, who left the confines of his parents basement to live in the land of Toys. Japan.



This review starts off running, "Robot Adventures" is brimming with excitement over the new toy his brother sent him, bumbling over the packaging as he barely holds back his need to tear into the thing. The laughs start early too, as our boy strategically hurts himself at exactly the 1 minutes point, just when my attention begins to wane.

RA then cuts to his transformed toy, but it is clear he was unable to wrap his head around actually transforming this childrens toy, as it is very rickety. At 2:25 we get a glimpse into RA's depression, as he plays with his new toy while talking about drinking alone.

We are then treated to 3 full minutes of RA unsucsessfully trying to transform this toy to "robot mode", however it becomes painfully clear that his clumsy meatmitts are not up to this test of dexterity. He manages to partially transform Grievous, while breaking off 2 legs in the process. He fumbles with the thing for what seems like forever, when he has to take a break for a "pee pee". Apparently editing never entered this equation.

He comes back refreshed and ready for a new crack at the impossible task, unfortunatly it becomes clear that its just not happening for him, and after 2 more minutes of fumbling with it, he cuts to a fully transformed figure. I am willing to bet he sought the help of a neighbor child to complete the task, because as soon as he touches the thing again he begins to break pieces off.

Overall I found this review very entertaining, Robot Adventure took me for a ride through a wide array of emotions, I felt his frustration, his excitement, his embarassment, and his weak bladder, as he played with, and was ultimatly disappointed by, his new action figure. This video gives us a peek into the broken soul, and a disturbed young man crying out for help. 5 out of 5

Next up "Jeepers Media" (or Creepers media, as I will be referring to him) with one of his "naughty videos". Brace yourselves, this one is a doozy.



To give a brief summary, Creepers videos, or at least his naughty ones, seem to revolve around an eccentric middleaged man, applying his twisted sense or reality to Disney toys made for very young children. I will leave it to the reader to interpret this further, I however will say that I find this overall very disturbing.

Now there are some understandable reasons for a grown man to collect action figures, its not my bag., but who am I to judge. However I will judge a grown man who collects toys aimed at toddlers. There is something very strange about this, and you may wonder what kind of man not only collects these toys, but makes video reviews of them. After experiencing just 10 seconds of this video you will agree, Mike Mozart is EXACTLY that kind of man. Imagine if you will, a blubbering man child let loose in one of those dirty joke stores in the mall. Only the dirty joke store is actually the young children section of the toy store.

This idiot cackles through this review, as he applies his warped sense of humor to various toys, all interacting with the gem of his collection, the talking/fingering Pluto figure. Mozart has the sense of discovery of a 12 year old with his first boner. This collection of videos should have this man on several police "watch lists". The combination of a twisted sense of humor, toys aimed at a very young audience, and Mozart's near orgasmic joy over the whole thing are deeply upsetting.

I am going to give this review 1 out of 5 stars (that is the lowest Youtube allows) However I also went ahead and reported his video to Youtube, even though it doesn't break any specific rules, I think he is someone who should be closely watched. His next review might just be of a young boys anus.

American Psycho

one of the best movies I've ever seen is American Psycho
and I'll tell you why right now.... (Let me just crank up my Coolio first though)
Aw ye, I'm mad trippin' homie
A) it stars Christian baleB) He runs around naked in white sneakers
C) He kills hookers and doesn't afraid of anything
D) He has yuppie friends

Do you like Tom Jones, Will?

First off the story is about badass Patrick Bateman just kicking so much fucking ass.. living life to the fullest, doing drugs, and dancing to 80's music with his group of eccentric buddies! This of course is when the shit hits the ceiling. Patrick Bateman slowly starts to lose his goddamn mind and suddenly goes Haywire. His mind almost explodes into a pile of hay, like hulk Hogan eating a bacon sandwich with mustard and pickles. Actually if we had to pin point when Bateman goes crazy, I think I'd say it was seeing a business card better than his. Yes that of course is a very good reason to lose your mind. For example, my friend had a better haircut than me last week, and I cried for a solid week, unable to eat, and living in a pile of urine soaked soaks for weeks. So anyways the Batman loses his shit and starts to kill hookers without discretion, telling them they aren't as powerful as the Batman, and need to be destroyed from the planet. So he kills hookers for 45mins, running around in white sneakers. After a while he gets super depressed after realizing his insane killing spree was for nothing, because he had dreamed the whole thing up. Patrick Bat-man laughs hysterically, and suddenly realizes he has home economics class in 20mins,and grabs his backpack, and juice box and runs off to play in the summer day.

I'd have to say its the best movie ever made, and highly urge everyone to see this beast of a movie. The amount of high fives going off in your private theatre after watching this movie will be insane. It will be like 30 sonic booms, and 20 747's taking off at once. Your mom will respect you for once in your life, and I'm sure you'll reach Nirvana.

Don't take my word for it though, just go out and buy yourself a ticket to see American Psycho and see for yourself, your grandma won't be disappointed.

Local Heroes: $1.85 Guy

Every town has their own group of eccentric weirdos that everyone in town knows one way or another.
My hometown Guelph, Ontario is no different. We have people that just scream obscenities at others as they get on the bus, kids that hang around the downtown fountain harassing people for spare change and my personal favourite: $1.85 guy.


For those not in the know $1.85 Guy is a character that hangs out mostly around downtown Guelph, between Carden St. and St. George square.

He is usually seen with long hair, a mustache, bucket hat, boxer shorts and a stolen bicycle.
He generally approaches his marks on the stolen bike and proceeds to ask them: "excuse me, can you spare some change? I happen to be short a $1.85?"

A few questions immediately arise from this.

- Why exactly a $1.85? How did he come to this number?
I have a few theories: This was the price of the bus, like ten years ago. He could also be hoping to get two dollars.

- Why does he need $1.85?
Well it isn't for bus fare because he usually has a stolen bike with him. I think this motivational poster of him found on facebook best describes his motives.


So that's his mission objective in brief.

If I could say one thing that's positive about $1.85 guy is that he is very polite about asking for a $1.85.

I was hoping to have an interview with $1.85 guy for this post, but he hasn't been seen around downtown Guelph in awhile.
So that is my goal for this coming year. Interview the man and find out what makes him tick.

His infamy knows no bounds! It seems you can now become a fan of him on Facebook.

If you would like to know more about $1.85 guy, there is an article about him getting arrested a few summers ago and accidentally let out in the Guelph Mercury.

Why do Microphones look So much like Penises??!?

So I'm sitting here, avoiding homework and watching live performances on youtube, and all at once it slaps me across the face like something appropriately phallic. Since my giggling teenage years I have known that microphones looked just like dicks, but I never really stopped to wonder why.

Basically a dick

I always just thought it was one of those things, you know, accepted it as "that's how microphones look". And of course, they didn't always look like dongs, in fact they used to look much different. With all the advancements in technology over the last 20 years, why are microphones still roughly the same size and shape of a gristle missile? It seems either the work of some master prankster, pulling a fast one on the entire music industry, or a pervert savant who wanted the option to get off to images and videos of any singer ever, using limited imagination.

Lets play, spot the fellatio

I mean, look at the above picture! Only the shape of the microphone (or penis) is censored, and you are hard pressed to figure out which is an act or oral majesty, and which is singing. A quick google search of "why are microphones phallic" yields many results, however not one of them explains the penile design. If a long shaft, with a bulbous head was the perfect instrument for sound recognition, why cant I hear out of my dick? And why don't we have dicks for ears? I suppose it is much to late for a change, the microphone is an immediately recognizable symbol of music, and any attempt to change it would elicit passionate outcry frm music fans and pedophiles alike.

Finland and Racism

I had a few friends go to Finland on vacation this past summer to mostly drink and to go to some concerts.
I asked them to bring back something cheap, weird and Finish.
Well they delivered...


What the hell...

He's name is Petter-Peli. Which apparently means Black Peter and he is Finland's answer to Old Maid. But instead of a crotchety old woman you don't want to end up with, you get stuck with an old racist stereotype.

Here is a desciption of the game:
"Pekka-Peli is a game apart. Not only is it a game without winners -- the goal of the game is to not become the loser, Pekka-Peli.

Looks like Pekka-Peli has been labeled as an outcast and a loser by Finnish society. Sounds racist enough to me.

Here are some of the "non-losers" that are included in the game:



Not only are all the characters really white, they get to do cool stuff like: be an old miser, drive a race car, cut the legs off of someone's suit and grab a cat by the tail.

Poor old pete is left to smoke a cigarette out in the cold in some stupid hat.

Family follies

Ahhh families, we've all got them, we all love them (Even if you see grandma orally pleasuring grandpa on the dining room table) and although that might be a reason to perhaps move to Zihuatanejo, you just gotta bare and grin what momma birthed you into! Now every once in a while we see some families that are just most interesting to observe than others, like
maybe old poppa is an accountant, and dear old mommy is a convict and that of course makes for a hilarious family picture! (Yes I'm going somewhere with this story!)
Family pictures usually catch a tender moment in where a family "Shows ya what they got" a hurrah of genes fruitfully dancing on camera. Now if my family pictures were to be discussed on this blog, you'd raise numerous questions "Did mom kill dad?" "Why does your mom look hungry?" "Why is your sister's forehead causing a lens flare?" So I'm not going to talk about my pictures (Those are for my therapist to judge) Instead I'm going to mock other people to make myself feel better and hopefully provide some boner inducing laughter in all 3 readers of this blog, so hold on to yer' lug nuts, it's time for an over haul!

Teeth! This picture makes me believe that some kind of Neanderthal somehow stowed himself away in Marty Mcfly's trunk and arrived sometime around the 1980's. He seems to have married a woman who has eaten nothing but old twigs, and dried rabbit pellets and who eventually tricked into stealing him a meal fit for a man of his appetite. I do feel sorry for that delicious baby, but in the end, he does have the coolest parents on the block. I mean, who else can teach their son to hunt, and skin a deer like a cave dad? (note: I do believe Adam carolla could do that as well)

DERP! A lizard walks amongst us ladies and gentlemen! I can only explain this picture through my simple, simple understanding of radiation. So here goes. If a lizard and bob barker somehow slipped and landed in a pile of radioactive goo, the genes and cells of both parties would be meshed together at such a rapid speed, you'd think you witness sex between Dustin Diamond and that old lady from that show "227" Although you'd think bob barker would then be left with cool super powers, you're WRONG! You're only left with a man who can view insects with his big ol' bubbly eyes and ends up marrying a fairly wealthy debutant. I think the perk is his extremely long, and powerful tongue, which can pleasure you anywhere, at any time, so next time I feel a tickling in my anus, I'll just nod and smile. (call me Liz-a-maxims, please?)

"LOL, it's your fault Dad and I touch penises every night mom! You silly, silly woman you!" I fail to understand why anyone would take this photo and actually keep it in their family album. I mean, once mom turns up missing, the police are going to inspect the house, and find blue prints of the torture room you built to house her, shovels, ice picks (The murder weapons) and finally a picture tagged up to a cork-board that has "Kill mother dearest" written in goats blood (cause I know when I want to curse my enemies only goat's blood will suffice. Goats are evil and so is their milk) So keeping this picture only shows the hate you have for a woman that forced you to watch her do aerobics in front of the TV, while listening to "Girls just wanna have fun". Oh and it also shows that your sister is the ring leader, judging by the evil incantations she's casting from her eyeballs.

Being cool is not something you can just walk into, it's something you are at birth, when you shoot out of a small opening, and frantically swim your way to the egg, you're already sporting a square top haircut, and a leather jacket with a cool gang name sewed into it. That's what this cool cat is all about (see me fail at being cool? I swam out with my name sewn into my tighty whitties) I can only imagine the glorious days Barteque koomadias (that's Koo-ma-die-is) spent rocking out in the garage, singing along to Poison and Skidrow, dreaming of the time he could finally unleash his beautiful ballad voice without his dad breaking his HB pencil. I mean, just look at his sorry family! I'm fairly certain all his brother's wet their pants and sing to Beach boys while Koomadias sits in a corner giving himself his first tattoo using a homemade tattoo gun which he fashioned out of a Flintstones pen which he received out of a box of Fruity Pebbles. (man..what a cool kid)

Damn you Jimmy Fallon! DAMN YOU TO HELL!! Have you ever wondered why Jimmy fallon ruins every single SNL skit with his childish composure? Or perhaps even wondered why he can never keep a straight face, even when he's talking about the mass murder of orphans infected with aids? Well neither can I, but this Jimmy fallon lookalike dad certainly seems to explain why anyone that looks like Jimmy fallon can't be trusted around anything as precious as a baby. Here's how I believe the scenario would go:
(Guy) "hey Jimmy, check out my new baby, he's so shiny and new"
(Fallon) "Oh can I hold him? He's so tiny, and smells like a new car..(slowly begins to lose composure) he's like a car, that was made..like Ford just rolled him out of the assembly line (Slowly begins to crush tiny windpipe) like, like, he's like he's never been driven before..(rubs babies unconscious body against rough facial hair) Oh no, the new car is leaking, that's not at all like a new car" (throws baby out window)

(and just like Jimmy fallon i failed to cause any laughter... oh the misery in my life..wait, that's funny)