Family follies

Ahhh families, we've all got them, we all love them (Even if you see grandma orally pleasuring grandpa on the dining room table) and although that might be a reason to perhaps move to Zihuatanejo, you just gotta bare and grin what momma birthed you into! Now every once in a while we see some families that are just most interesting to observe than others, like
maybe old poppa is an accountant, and dear old mommy is a convict and that of course makes for a hilarious family picture! (Yes I'm going somewhere with this story!)
Family pictures usually catch a tender moment in where a family "Shows ya what they got" a hurrah of genes fruitfully dancing on camera. Now if my family pictures were to be discussed on this blog, you'd raise numerous questions "Did mom kill dad?" "Why does your mom look hungry?" "Why is your sister's forehead causing a lens flare?" So I'm not going to talk about my pictures (Those are for my therapist to judge) Instead I'm going to mock other people to make myself feel better and hopefully provide some boner inducing laughter in all 3 readers of this blog, so hold on to yer' lug nuts, it's time for an over haul!

Teeth! This picture makes me believe that some kind of Neanderthal somehow stowed himself away in Marty Mcfly's trunk and arrived sometime around the 1980's. He seems to have married a woman who has eaten nothing but old twigs, and dried rabbit pellets and who eventually tricked into stealing him a meal fit for a man of his appetite. I do feel sorry for that delicious baby, but in the end, he does have the coolest parents on the block. I mean, who else can teach their son to hunt, and skin a deer like a cave dad? (note: I do believe Adam carolla could do that as well)

DERP! A lizard walks amongst us ladies and gentlemen! I can only explain this picture through my simple, simple understanding of radiation. So here goes. If a lizard and bob barker somehow slipped and landed in a pile of radioactive goo, the genes and cells of both parties would be meshed together at such a rapid speed, you'd think you witness sex between Dustin Diamond and that old lady from that show "227" Although you'd think bob barker would then be left with cool super powers, you're WRONG! You're only left with a man who can view insects with his big ol' bubbly eyes and ends up marrying a fairly wealthy debutant. I think the perk is his extremely long, and powerful tongue, which can pleasure you anywhere, at any time, so next time I feel a tickling in my anus, I'll just nod and smile. (call me Liz-a-maxims, please?)

"LOL, it's your fault Dad and I touch penises every night mom! You silly, silly woman you!" I fail to understand why anyone would take this photo and actually keep it in their family album. I mean, once mom turns up missing, the police are going to inspect the house, and find blue prints of the torture room you built to house her, shovels, ice picks (The murder weapons) and finally a picture tagged up to a cork-board that has "Kill mother dearest" written in goats blood (cause I know when I want to curse my enemies only goat's blood will suffice. Goats are evil and so is their milk) So keeping this picture only shows the hate you have for a woman that forced you to watch her do aerobics in front of the TV, while listening to "Girls just wanna have fun". Oh and it also shows that your sister is the ring leader, judging by the evil incantations she's casting from her eyeballs.

Being cool is not something you can just walk into, it's something you are at birth, when you shoot out of a small opening, and frantically swim your way to the egg, you're already sporting a square top haircut, and a leather jacket with a cool gang name sewed into it. That's what this cool cat is all about (see me fail at being cool? I swam out with my name sewn into my tighty whitties) I can only imagine the glorious days Barteque koomadias (that's Koo-ma-die-is) spent rocking out in the garage, singing along to Poison and Skidrow, dreaming of the time he could finally unleash his beautiful ballad voice without his dad breaking his HB pencil. I mean, just look at his sorry family! I'm fairly certain all his brother's wet their pants and sing to Beach boys while Koomadias sits in a corner giving himself his first tattoo using a homemade tattoo gun which he fashioned out of a Flintstones pen which he received out of a box of Fruity Pebbles. (man..what a cool kid)

Damn you Jimmy Fallon! DAMN YOU TO HELL!! Have you ever wondered why Jimmy fallon ruins every single SNL skit with his childish composure? Or perhaps even wondered why he can never keep a straight face, even when he's talking about the mass murder of orphans infected with aids? Well neither can I, but this Jimmy fallon lookalike dad certainly seems to explain why anyone that looks like Jimmy fallon can't be trusted around anything as precious as a baby. Here's how I believe the scenario would go:
(Guy) "hey Jimmy, check out my new baby, he's so shiny and new"
(Fallon) "Oh can I hold him? He's so tiny, and smells like a new car..(slowly begins to lose composure) he's like a car, that was made..like Ford just rolled him out of the assembly line (Slowly begins to crush tiny windpipe) like, like, he's like he's never been driven before..(rubs babies unconscious body against rough facial hair) Oh no, the new car is leaking, that's not at all like a new car" (throws baby out window)

(and just like Jimmy fallon i failed to cause any laughter... oh the misery in my life..wait, that's funny)